Music

I have to agree with one of Elly’s entries tonight. The best gifts in life for me are God and Music. As long as I have both, I know I can survive. But this is not to the extreme as how it used to be in my childhood. I understand now that Music is just an art but the overwhelming feeling of calm that comes with it is a gift from God. I used to listen to music 24/7 as I thought I can’t live without it. How childish. Yes I can live without it. But right now, listening to each note as I play my guitar… Enjoying the many variations of plucking… Letting it reverberates my pulse… And putting two and two together to make up a piece of music… This is my own limbo. Not between life and death, but between chaos and peace. Life for me is always of ups and downs. How do I go from one state to the other? By playing the music in my heart. The song in my heart right now is called Letting Go. It is about understanding that letting go is the best for me even when there’s this F# note that’s kind of screaming, “You’re making a mistake by letting a friend go!”

*Taking a deep breath*

But I’m sick of sticking up for your faults. Once you’ve learned to appreciate a woman’s worth only then I’ll consider being your friend again. I know being a friend means not judging each other, but this is not some kind of preliminary judging, this is the kind of judging after seeing the real you… After seeing what you’re capable of doing – or not doing – to girls. The ‘you’ that even your best friend is disappointed with. Me? I’m just someone you don’t even feel worth mentioning to your best friend, so just imagine the disappointment.

I'm sick of this A minor surrounding my heart. I want to go back to playing the C note which I’ve always associate with happy feelings. My music, my heart beats.

-C-

p/s: It only takes you ONCE to take advantage of me and then you're OUT!

Mum's birthday :)

In my kabut-ness and my head not being in the right place just now I forgot to mention that today is actually MY DEAREST MUMMY’S BIRTHDAY! Yup, she just reached the big five-zero! You're still young ibu! :)

My mummy is the best.

She totally gets her baby girl here. I know I may not be a baby anymore but I’ll always be one in her eyes :) (Speaking of baby, a month in counting *cough*) My mummy has always guided me the best she can in any way possible since I was young. She instilled the basis of being a human since I was a toddler but she never really put restrictions on what I can or cannot do. I remember when I was like 5, my other friends were so scared that their mummy will get mad if they get the clothes dirty but my mum, when I asked her if she’ll get mad her answer was simply, “No, dirty clothes can be washed but experiences are forever.” Isn’t that the best? That has been one of the best advices in my life :)

So with that, believe me ibu when I say you’ve reached that mature age.

HAPPY 50TH BIRTHDAY MUMMY DEAREST!!! I Love You!

-C-

2008

Taking cues from other bloggers, this is my recap of 2007. Well, it’s not really a recap. But when you guys were talking about the New Year… there’s only one moment in 2007 that got me thinking of how lucky I am to be where I am now.

The date was 5th December. It happened around 6 pm. Approximately six hours before my family had to leave. We were in my dad’s car, on our way back from my grandparents’ place. Remember I wrote here don’t let me start on how bad I was crying a few hours before they left, right. Well, it actually started then, in the car. Out of the blue my dad asked all of us, “So did we all get what we wanted for 2007?” Suddenly I was sobbing like mad. Yeah, we did... Alhamdulillah… :) I got everything I’ve ever prayed for: Success in my SPM to the highest level, a scholarship to do what I want to do, and to the place that I want to go. Basically, that’s all that I wished for the year two-oh-oh-seven. My parents got what they wanted too and my brother got to pursue his life-long dream of being an animator (his email address of syazwanimator hasn’t changed since he was TWELVE!) So yeah, my family has been in a good position this year. And I dare not wish for something more next year or even the years after next... :)

Dear God, please keep my family in good health and give us strength for us to be better persons individually and also as a whole. Dear God, may You grant us all our wishes that are good to us and keep us away from those that can ruin us. Dear God may 2008 be just another number in the calendar and that You would keep blessing us with all Your glory no matter what the date is.

Anyway, after that my dad jokingly asked what our next aims are for 2008. What’s my aim for next year? Let it just be between me and the pages of my unpublished drafts :)

-C-

BGF

I have this best friend. He has a girlfriend. But a while back he told me that he actually liked me for years but he couldn’t do anything since I was in a ‘relationship’ back then. So that’s why he has a girlfriend now that’s not me. He admitted that at first their relationship was rocky because the girlfriend found out he only took her as a girlfriend because he couldn’t get me. But thankfully they’re very much happy now. And he and I are still best friends :)

A few years back, my best friend – Fayyadhah - and I had this theory: A guy and a girl cannot be ‘just best friends’ because if that person supposedly knows everything about you, then what is holding the two of you from having a relationship? I guess people would retaliate by saying if there are no feelings, then there are no feelings and you can’t force it. But what’s the point of feelings if there’s no chemistry? What’s the point of passion if there’s no commitment and intimacy? Which coincidentally I believe is what ‘best-friendship’ is made of.

But as I was thinking… All of my BGFs (Best Guy Friends) do have girlfriends. Anyway, it’s like it is only these people that are totally comfortable with me. It’s like, since I’m not their girlfriend and I DO NOT care that much on my behavior around them, they enjoy my ‘boyish’ company. It’s like I’m the substitute to what they don’t have with their girlfriends. And I so don’t mind it at all because I love them so much already. But that’s it. I simply realized that the guys I am usually very close with have girlfriends of their own.

And I guess that is why the guys and I are able to stay best friends. I know them inside and out and for years but my own theory just doesn’t apply to me because they already have their own girlfriends! ;-) Yes, we do have intimacy (heck I’m the one they confide in about their relationship problems) and we are committed to each other (years people, I’m talking two digits here) but circumstances kept pushing us the other way around.

Thus, it seems like I'll forever be 'just the best friend' but at this point in my life, I don't really mind :)

-C-

p/s: It is true what they say, I tend to have a long muqaddimah when my point is actually only a sentence long :p Sorry!

Hari Raya

SELAMAT HARI RAYA AIDILADHA!!!

Since today is Eid-ul-Adha in Malaysia, I would like to talk about my experiences so far being alone, away from my family. Or should I say my family being away from me. Remember on the night of their departure I wrote that I hope there’s a hikmah out of me being alone, right. Well, I can’t really say I know exactly what it is, but I do know that I have learned a lot since.

I guess what I’ve mostly learned is what it means to be a family. I mean, sure, I love my family and they love me and that’s pretty obvious. But things have gotten a bit …familiar. They go to work, I go to school, and we came home and rest together at night. But since they’ve been gone, I started to see through their eyes and hence start to really understand the feeling of unconditional love. I didn’t actually learn about how to be part of a family; instead I have learned on how it feels to be the head of a family.

“With great power comes great responsibility.”

I started thinking that most children – including me – don’t really appreciate their parents. Some kids think that since they gave birth, they simply HAVE to feed you, clothed you. In some sense, yes, it is their responsibility. But if they decided to just abandon you they hell can do so. But did they? Trust me, till the day you have the house under your feet, you will never know what it feels like to have real responsibilities.

While my parents are gone, I’m the head of the house. Sure, I might be the youngest but it is me that my parents left with their trusts before leaving for Jeddah. If I decided to have parties every other week, I sure can hell do so. Or if I decided that the only food make available in the house is fast food, I can also hell do so. But I didn’t. Because I love my cousins and maid (I don’t like calling her a maid. Let’s call her my housekeeper) very much that I only want the best for them.

~ Most of the time I am the last to sleep as I have to make sure that every gate is locked, the right lights are on and that every TV and computers are off.

~ I actually worry like HELL if my cousins are not back by eleven. Once I slept in front of the TV with my brother’s blanket waiting…just like what my dad did whenever I go out till late at night.

~ I had to take care of my cousins when they were sick. Make sure they got enough rest, well-fed, and see the doctor. I used to wonder how my mum has the strength to come to my every need those days I were sick but now I do. When you love someone, you don’t think, you just do.

~ I had to do the grocery. Okay yeah, I do the grocery even when my mum is home but usually it’s after her shouts of “JA PEGI GIANT!!!!!!!!!” Now, I have to check the kitchen if it’s running out of food and rush to the pasar. (Plus, I have to learn some money management…)

~ I have to get all four of our cars + my dad’s bike engines to start. And I have to take responsibility for…urm…a few scratches…

~ But mostly I have to be the glue of the family. I have to make sure that everybody gets what they want and…just make sure that they are happy so long as they’re under my care. In Islam if the guest stays longer than 3 days, they’re no longer a guest. But a family is forever. Whatever it takes (baking cookies, buying junk food) to see them smile, I’m up for it.

So as you can see, I’ve basically put myself in my dad’s sandals and my mum’s pumps. Now I appreciate every single thing they do to not only keep my happy, but also to keep the family together. It takes hard work but when it is done out of love, you don’t even feel the sweat until they’re all gone.

Today is Eid-ul-Adha in Malaysia. I woke up early and took my cousins to the surau for the Eid-ul-Adha prayer. (My cousins were asking me, “What time will we go to the surau?” “When does the prayer usually starts?” “What are we eating for breakfast?” These are questions I usually asked my parents without really appreciating the answer. You think it is easy to decide stuffs for others? They depend on you no matter how insignificant it is.) After the prayer we had our breakfast, with the lemang we bought last night and the cookies and cake we baked less than 12 hours before. My cousin Kak Yong had to go to work, so I took my housekeeper and cousin, Chor, to our Uncle’s house in Gombak. Then I went to my grandparents’ house in Dato’ Keramat. As I was driving alone just now I felt like crying. On Hari Raya and I am driving alone on the road. I just hang out at my grandparents’ place and ate and ate and ate. My cousins there were asking, “So since your mum is not here, no cakes we guess?” They were surprise that I still brought our famous chocolate cake. I think my friends in INTI don’t know yet how special my chocolate cake is, eh? One day girls :)

But you want to know what really made my day today? Talking to my dad on the phone all the way from Mina, healthy (minus the cough) and out of Ihram already. THAT is the definition of my Hari Raya Aidiladha this year.

-C-