Another Again

Happy Birthday to me!

For my annual birthday post, I decided to write on something that had molded me for the past 21 years to be as I am: family.

Yes, family. Weird isn’t it that I always think of my family when I’m away from them. But then, when you think about it, I do have my own family with me. I now have three families! One in Nilai, one in Kluang, and one in Pittsburgh. Maybe Rassyid and I have been treating Lailee way too much like a daughter than we’re supposed to; but then again, who will love her as much as we do if not us?

Today we took Lailee to the vet. Last Thursday she had a seizure. Yup, a seizure. It was scary. We were in the living room – all three of us – me watching a movie, Rassyid was online, and Lailee was sleeping next to him. Suddenly she rose, walked a few steps, and fell on her side. At first I didn’t make much of it because she is gedik and likes to fall on her back to get her belly rubbed. But this time, her hind left leg twisted in a way you don’t wish for other cats to experience. I wanted to help her up but she seemed paralyzed and unable to pull herself. She succeeded in walking a few steps towards us but then dropped again, and this time her whole body contracted. I could not explain what it felt like to feel helpless as I watched my ‘child’ in pain.

And then I understood, that’s what parents feel every second of every day for as long as they live. Worry, helplessness, knowing that not everything is under their control. They try (the same way Rassyid and I did in bringing Lailee to see the vet) but then, there’s nothing more they can do except praying for the best.

I’m not perfect. I was certainly not the best daughter to my parents. I know there were moments that I wish I could erase from memory, but can’t. I'm definitely no 'trouble-free' daughter. But I’m here because of them, and no one can make me think so differently. I don’t think I screamed to be let go before, but I definitely prayed to be understood more. My parents are just that – human parents. They made mistakes too. But I’m a firm believer that without mistakes, there won’t be change, and without change, everyone’s a slave to circumstances – and that’s not a pretty place to be in.

People say I’m lucky. Lucky that my parents are willing to give up so much, to do so much, for me. One thing they don’t know is, I’m not a fan of luck. We make our own ‘luck’. When they say I’m lucky that my parents understood my situation to get married, they don’t know the fight I had to put up. The fight WE – my family and I – had to put. But we did it. So on my 21st birthday, I’m done wishing for myself. Now, I want pray for others. Others that are not as ‘lucky’ as me.

I may be 21, and I may be married. But before I was a wife, remember, I was a daughter.

-C-