I think it is finally time for me to tell you the story of
Syaza Farhana: The Confused. It's not really about confusion, just... something I'm still in learning of myself. Self-discovery is a never-ending process, no? But still, is it really time to put myself out there? Perhaps.
I'll start from the beginning. Everybody who knows me knows that I only have one other sibling which is my one and only older brother. So, when I was younger, and not yet in school, my brother was my best friend. Not only him, but also my cousins,
Man and
Sri. I wont deny that I was also close to my girl cousins too such as
Nana and
Kak Pura. Plus, I do have a girl best friend back then,
Anis. You can say that I had a balanced relationship between both genders. But I can safely say that most of the time I play with my brother, Man, and Sri. The two were always sleeping over, and they always want to play something that requires an even number of people. Thus I was always dragged into it, not really complaining though. Slowly, I turned into a tomboy. I think everyone that saw me grew up can testify to that. I used to be a tomboy, and very much proud of it. I played soccer in the mud and climbed trees at the playground. I think what shocked people the most was my carelessness on...caring. I don't care what people think. I don't care if I got dirty. I don't care about most things except that I am accepted by the guys. I remember my mum once said, "It's because you have a brother, you have to b a bit tomboy to get along." And I have nothing against it.
Of course then I grew up and went to school, and it dawned on me that I was not actually similar to them. I am a girl. So I started to hang around more with my girl friends (this is when I was in primary school). I love playing with barbie dolls, dress-up, and everything else imaginable. But still, at the back of my head, my unconscious is shouting that I was still the loud and hyperactive kid I used to be. But I cant do much about it because I was had a strict
ustaz, Ustaz Wan. Back then, we were not supposed to even TALK to the boys, much less spend time together. So that was kind of who I was then.
Later, I went to secondary school. The experience shocked me a bit, I got to admit. Most of the other students came from SK Lembah Keramat, and they are very friendly with each other regardless of gender, age, or anything else! I was amazed by it. I thought everybody was supposed to be brought up similarly to us SKTP-ians (children's
SCHEMA my fellow psychology classmates!) At first I was a bit shy, until I was in form three, dropped Arabic, and went to the next class. I remember till today how, for example, when my classmate then, Khaidir, would greet me, and I would be thinking
what should I say back?! Till in the middle of the year, I was like that, until finally I befriended a classmate, A'ai. Till now, if someone asked me my turning point, I would automatically answer A'ai. A'ai is a special person to me (although we don't speak to each other often anymore). He was the person that taught me to be myself and not care what others think because there WILL be people who appreciate me for who I am. We enjoyed each other's company especially when talking about the underground music scene, which I can't really share with my girlfriends. I guess that was it. My love for music. I don't do soccer, but I know music. And guys are comfortable when they know I play the guitar.
After that, the only word I can think of is, I
blossomed. Blossomed how? I became more confident with myself. I can talk to both males and females with a steady voice, and a steady gaze. I can basically see everyone as equals, and that there is nothing to be ashamed of. Sometimes people think I am too loud or not easily embarrassed, but the thing is, I don't really care because I see all of my friends as just that, friends. That was it. I enjoy everyone's company. I got to admit though, that up till that point in my life, I was still pretty much a lady's girl. I LOVE spending time with my girlfriends and gossip (heck I still do!). But at the same time, I'm not you would think of the word 'lady' when you first met me. But I'm proud and happy of myself. I don't care if there are those who think I'm too
over, because for me I was just
being. I wont say, "I am living however way I want to," because that would be selfish and I do think of the consequences to my family's honor and to my love, Islam. I choose the word 'being' because it is how I live, and not what I do, that I am proud of.
Anyway back to the original topic, my point is to say that I am now actually very much comfortable with both guys than girls. You may say I'm over exaggerating when I say I am now more of a
guy's girl, as I still do laugh my heart out with my girlfriends. But somehow, though I do understand why girls act and do what they do, I still don't understand why they succumb to it. For me, if there is a better way to it, there is. I guess I realizes all this during the seven months after the SPM examination and before I went to college. I realized that I like being in the presence of my guy friends. It is much more laid back, and i can totally pig out if I want to. What I like about guys is that when they want to talk crap, I can totally dig it, but when they want to talk life, i love it more. Of course it is not all pretty. There is also a down side: when they started talking about girls. I think they would sometimes forget that i am in that category.
The point I'm trying to get at after this much rambling is that, sometimes people would be shocked to find out that I DO get guys. I GET what they're thinking, what they actually mean when they say something, and especially I get how to soothe them. Sometimes I do wonder, why am I so much like a guy? Sometimes I would come to the conclusion that I got 90% of my dad's genes (this fact is reaffirmed after learning about genes in bio.) Of course I love playing the guitar as he does, and I love pressing the accelerator to my MANUAL
kancil hard! (ROAD TAX!) But that could not be the answer because in then end, I AM still a girl. So my conclusion is, get to know me better if I freaked you out during our first meeting. I might not really know how to talk to girls except through gossiping and exchanging notes, but remember, I'm still a girl, and I do understand myself well. More important, don't think I'm
gatal or a bitch when you see me hanging around with five guys and talking about nothing in particular, because I love the company of guys so much. Like what we studied in Psychology, children development is based on both
nature and nurture. My genetic make-up is a girl, but I grew up spending a lot of time with guys. Seriously though, I love being friends with anyone and everyone. Trust me when I say,
I DON'T JUDGE PEOPLE.
A guy's girl, and proud to be one.
-C-
