Unfold

People, don’t be surprise to read this blog post because this is finally my confession to y’all.
To tell the truth, Unfold, a song by Marie’ Digby, is actually very much related to my life and that’s why I watched the video over and over when she first posted it online and I put the song on repeat when I first downloaded it (yes, from YouTube) and that song happened to be the song I played on my guitar over and over every time I got home that I think my whole family has memorize the guitar pattern already.

Unfold is her way of saying how she finds it hard to open up to others around her. That’s why she’s singing, “Watch me Unfold...” because she has decided to finally let her guard down. Well, that’s not the part that’s kind of like me. I think those who know me know how open I can be that I got scolded about it sometimes. :p Heck, what am I doing here telling the whole world my life story if I’m not the unfoldED type. But the thing about me is… I tend to push away those people I’m close to. No, I’m not being dramatic, that’s the whole truth. When I get close to someone, unintentionally I would do things that irritate them to their deepest skin. I guess that’s why I appreciate so much the close friends I have because I know how hard it is for them to stick with me through my ‘karut’-ness. Usually the way I would do it is by being too emotional, too sensitive. I realized that when someone is just an acquaintance I don’t give a damn if that person calls me a fat, cry-baby pig (okay, that’s an image). But once I start to realize that a person could have an impact on my life, every single thing he or she says or does could trigger the wrong side of me. I say ‘could’ because I can’t pinpoint exactly what it is that could make me sad.

But when I think about it, that’s the childish side of me that I wish to throw as far away as possible. Something so insignificant can be a big deal to me because as I explained earlier, it’s just my defense mechanism working against those who are close to me. Not because I hate those people. It’s far from that! But the perfectionist in me is simply not ready for people to see the real Syaza (not ChEsZa). That’s why I kept pushing those close to me away. But what surprised me most all the time is that usually these people that I unconsciously pushed away are those that decide to stay and strangely enough they are also those who find my ‘too sensitive’ side fascinating. And that fascinates ME. Thank you.

-C-

Respect V2.0

There are three pictures, three faces, three personalities. But all three have one thing in common that made me who I am today. My mum, Fayyadhah, and Asilah are the ONLY three people in my life that when they give me advices I’m DEFINITELY sure it is sincere.

Want to guess why? Because…*drum rolls* THEY DO IT WITH RESPECT. They never once down talk me. They never once down talk what I’m doing nor do they down talk the people around me. If I want to use my logical sense, they are the ONLY people that even if they down talk me it’s for sure for my own good. BUT THEY DON’T. Because they know, and I know, that when you disrespect a person that person won’t even DREAM of respecting you or your opinions. As simple as that. What these people usually do is, they would talk to me the advantages and disadvantages of my choices and my doings. They would help me map out the choices that I have. But at the end of the day they’ll support me in whatever I do. Because…*another drum rolls* THAT’S WHAT FRIENDS DO. Friends support each other. It doesn’t mean if I decided to jump off a bridge you say, “Go on, I’ll support you.” It also doesn’t mean you have the RIGHT to say, “Stupid ah you? You think that’s going to help you ah?” First of all, saying stupid is stupid in its own way. Second of all, you think you’re so good? What a friend does is say, “What is your real problem? Perhaps I can help you with it?”

Ok fine, sometimes Fayyadhah can be a bit harsh. But she’s the ONLY person in this world that can say that to me and I’m happy to hear every word of it. Why? Because she had known me for ten years and that’s proof enough she won’t go behind my back anytime soon.

I think this world is very weird. When I sat far from my boyfriend in class people say better for us to not be in the same class. When I do, they say they’re sick of seeing us together. When I only see him once a week they say we’re not like a couple and would give me this stupid eyebrow look. But when I see him mostly for meals that others don’t want to go to and study dates because he has no one else to study the same subject with they say I’m spending too much time with him. But you want to know the OTHER weird thing? When some of my other friends can’t stand a second without getting a text message from their beloved ones it’s quite normal. Now people, together with me… LAUGH.

-C-

p/s: I just realized that I can't please everyone. And frankly, I don't CARE anymore. Remember my new semester resolution? I'm just not interested in playing nice anymore.

PD

For the three-day-long (as if that's long!) holiday in conjunction of Wesak Day, my family decided to take a little 'vacation' to our favorite spot nearest to KL - PORT DICKSON. We went with Mak Yong, Angah, Kak Nurul, Kak Pura, Man, Mak Ina, Pak Andak and his whole family besides Suraya, and Pak Su's whole clan. Oh, including the two helpers, Kak Nor and Mak Cik Rohana. It was an okay holiday. Just the usual activities when we're in PD. Went to the beach and played some ball plus a ride on the 'banana boat'. Then, 'a few' makan feast and last but not least, some picture-taking sessions!

Coincidence Taken by: MohaShuk



Pwetty Flower Taken by: ChEsZa



The Band Pose Taken by: Syazwanimator



Kanak-kanak Riang Taken by: Syazwanimator



Birdie Taken by: ChEsZa



The Second CameraMan Taken by: ChEsZa



Rapatkan Sof Taken by: ChEsZa



Heads Taken by: ChEsZa

As you can see, my cousins and I had a few kodak moments. But my holiday didn't go as smooth sailing as I'd hope because on the last day I had a really bad tummy ache when I woke up for Subuh. Went to a clinic with the parents and for the first time in my life I hear the word Gastric being used in the same sentence as my name.

-C-

Marie Digby & Faizal Tahir

Yesterday after CSC Lab, He and I made our way to One Utama (OU) to see Marie Digby since she's playing live for her KL showcase there. Sofiya and Diana had already gone first with Sofiya’s sister. The two of us arrived around 6 pm and had our dinner. After prayer we met up with my cousin, Kak Yong, at the left side of the stage. It’s a bit disappointing that we can only see her side feature but at the same time we were quite close to the stage. (First principle of economics: People face trade-off.) She played Say It Again, Stupid For You, Beauty In Walking Away, Fool, Unfold, and her famous Umbrella. The crowd was a bit lame because they were only familiar with Say It Again. I love it when she sang Unfold because I love her acoustic version more than the recorded one.

After the short showcase He accompanied me in the long line towards GAP for her autograph session. A few interesting thing happened. While we were lining up, Marie walked pass with her bodyguards surrounding her because there were a few fanatics, believe it or not. Then while we were talking a girl tapped me from behind. She had a microphone in one hand and a dude by her side had a video camera with him. I thought they were doing an interview about Marie but instead they came up to me and asked, “Do you want to wish any of your teachers Happy Teachers Day?” I’m like, pfff. Anyhow a few minutes later, as I sat on the couch waiting, a woman suddenly asked me, “Are you waiting to take her autograph?” while pointing at my Marie Digby CD in my hand. When I nodded she asked me to pose with the CD as she took my picture. Well, maybe because they saw a ‘selekeh’ girl like me can get a hot boyfriend like Him by my side, so that’s why they decided to take my pictures. So finally I arrived at the end of the line.

When I went up to Marie her bodyguards didn’t allow anyone to even shake her hand. Take note from bigger acts and act a little bit humble. She just said ‘Hi’ And ‘Bye’ to me. By the way, I love her more in her YouTube videos than in real life. Afterwards the five of us, (Kak Yong, Sofiya, Diana, Him and I) made our way to my house to drop my cousin off. Before making our way to INTI I made a stop at ‘Burger Pak Cik Sedap’ (Kak Yong and I gave the name so It’s not an official!) and 'introduce' it to the three of them. We finally arrived safely at INTI around 12am.

In the car I put on Faizal Tahir’s Aku.Muzik.Kamu CD which I had just bought at OU. I totally love it. I have to agree with Sofiya though that the sound is almost the same for all the songs. I guess it’s because he co-wrote most of the songs with Audi Mok so there's least variety in one sense. But somehow, the second time I listened to the whole album earlier this morning when everybody’s in class, I started to tear up because somehow his songs touched me in a way that I can’t describe. I said to Him that somehow I connect with the album but I still feel it’s something deeper. Whatever it is, the album is most deserving of its Best Album award :)

-C-

Love talk

I’m not here to talk about my speck or even of my favorite cherry. Elly asked me the other day to write something sweet/romantic in response to His post but I just can’t. I guess I wasn’t able to do so until he started asking me a string of very crucial questions. And thankfully he did.

I have a friend, a very good friend in fact. Here, right here in INTI. I won’t deny that we have a somewhat close relationship. He’s been a good friend since the first time he sent me a message requesting a ride home. This may sound a bit over-the-top but honestly besides Zaim, he was the only one who knows the deepest of my concerns back then. I guess it is partially my fault that I got too attached to him. As in I kind of depended too much on him. And some people misunderstood that.

When I first started going out with Him, people questioned me. Actually, some still do up till this day. I won’t blame them one hundred percent. But I really would love to clear things out today. Yes, I really like my current boyfriend after our initial non-speaking encounter. Yes, I went into this relationship whole-heartedly. Yes, now I can’t think of anyone else except him (permission to puke granted.) BUT there were times when circumstances and the people around me started to mess with my head. No, they didn’t mess up my head – I made it a mess on my own. But I think I’m over that state already.

I want to clarify here that as much as I love Him, I can’t just ignore my other friends. In particular, in the context of today’s post, the one I was referring to earlier. He’s been there for me when I needed someone most. He was there when my car broke down. He was there when I was crying the night my parents went to do their Hajj. He was there when I needed company. Some may say I’m crazy for saying all these things about another guy besides my boyfriend but you know what, I‘m not crazy. My boyfriend already accepted his presence in my life; I suggest the rest of y’all do to and stop the speculation.

Yes, I have my other guy friends whom presence in my life are really appreciated. For me, I don’t like having to deny their impact on my life simply because I have a boyfriend. That’s plain unfair to me and to them. But that doesn’t mean I love RASSYID RAMLAN any less. He’s an addition into my life, not a replacement. For understanding this about me, I thank You very much.

-C-

p/s: I haven’t write for a long time because it’s been hard for me to get hold of an Internet connection for more than half an hour.

p/p/s: To those who have been asking, my Physics is saved :)