2nd 23

In the past year, there is one song that I kept on replay every time I am happy, and especially when I am sad (also when I am angry). It is my go-to song when swirls of emotion take hostage of me. The song is called “If I Die Young” by The Band Perry. I am not suicidal, but the lyrics are too beautiful to not be poignant to a sensitive soul.

As I turn a year older, it cannot be helped for me to think of the fact that death is near. Sure, we hear older folks verbalize their anxiety over death, but how many people of my generation have death at the back of their mind? More importantly, how many of us entertain the idea of a young friend or family member passing? How would we feel if someone close to us dies an untimely death? How many regrets would we have?

“A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I’ll sell them for a dollar
They’re worth so much more after I’m a goner
And maybe then you’ll hear the words I’ve been singing
Funny, when you’re dead how people start listening,”

Growing up, I have a lot of self-doubt. Not a lot of people believe me when I say so. Where do you think my courage to tread the unknown comes from? But that is where the problem lies; I was brave enough to take a small step, never gallant enough to fully plunge into the abyss. Part of that equation is the faceless figure sitting on my shoulder that keeps whispering, “You’re not good enough. You’re a child! How can a young person have an idea worthy of the world?” My drive to prove them wrong is strong, yet the grip of this figure is stronger, pulling me back every time. So I kept telling myself, “One day . . . one day when I’m gone maybe then they’ll start listening.”

Today, a day after my 23rd birthday, something amazing happened—something that I can only call a miracle by its magnitude. Today, after 23 years of living my life on earth, I finally find out that I AM WORTH IT. Indeed, it is pathetic for me to feel this way after all I have accomplished, but this time it is different. I put my entire life, passion, love, intellect, and honor code into the universe, whilst praying a meteor would not hit me back in the face. Today I found out that I do not need to wait till the day I die to know that there are people out there willing to listen.

Thank You, God, for the greatest birthday present yet.

Syaza