First semester again?

"Sometimes I remember
The Darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories
I wish I didn't have
Sometimes I think of letting go
And never looking back
And never moving forward so
There would never be a past."

Those are my favorite lines off my favorite song from my favorite rock band. And there's of course a reason to why I cried the first time I heard it.

What I'm going through right now is actually nothing new. For the past nineteen years of my life, I've always had this love-hate relationship with my past and also my memories of them. I know for sure that I don't regret my past for they made me who I am. But then, some are better left all the way at the back of my head, deep down underneath memories of torn shoes and bruised arms. Then again, there are times when I wish to be stuck here where I am because moving on is also scary since I know it brings with it its own memories-to-come. And that's what I'm going through now.

He knows how I've been complaining to Him last weekend of how I missed the good old days. Days when I have no worry in the world except what excuse to give my teacher the next time she caught me sleeping in class. But actually I wasn't telling Him the whole truth. The memory that was killing me last weekend was of my first semester right here in INTI. Some people would question me, why the first semester? Wasn't I much more grounded and happier during my second semester? Yes, I was. But who says my first semester was any less joyous?

The thing is, I don't think I need to repeat to y'all what is it about my first semester that is so special; you know it so well already. The emotions that were flying high that time made me feel...alive. I know I know, sounds like a drama queen, no? But again as I've mentioned, those were the times that really taught me who I am, who are my friends, what is love and the most important thing is the believe in takdir.

So now here I am, in my room in INTI, listening to those songs that used to accompany me at 3 o'clock in the morning while I mended my heart. Quoting Diana, "It's not the event, but it's the feeling." Yup. I don't miss the nights I spent crying. I miss the following day when I woke up feeling much stronger for surviving another night right here...at Inti International University-College, Nilai.

All thanks to the songs I've been listening to and the people I've been talking to, I am now officially reminiscing my precious first semester at the end of this third semester of mine here :)

'Happy Finals' everyone!

-C-