Old Journal

I am in the mood of going down memory lane... far far down...

I started a blog six years ago when I was fourteen. Not early in the year though. My first post was dated October 20th 2003. It was a Monday. I did not plan or have even heard of the term blog back then. Heck, I did not even consider that blog as a 'blog' until almost everyone started to have blogs. (Too many b word?) Anyway, I actually stumbled upon this community. It is actually a site where people like me with this one particular interest meet and discuss. This community, they had a message board and chat rooms like most sites but after incidents affecting teenagers started to get out of control, they decided on a journal for teens to share their thoughts and dilemmas...with strangers.

At first I was reluctant. I did not know what to write about. So I just wrote 'Hi' for my first entry and when I checked the next day there were already four comments by people whom I don't know welcoming me to the community. It so happened that the journal just started so most of them were newbies themselves. I was touched.

After that, I started to write almost every day. I try not to miss a day. What do I write about? Mostly about my activities for the day. Sometimes I admit that my posts were quite boring, not thought-provoking enough, and repetitive to the point that if these people were my neighbors they would know exactly where and when I would be at certain time doing what. But I don't mind. Because I know they were not my neighbors. In fact, they were no where close to me. Yes, after a while us Malaysians started to bond and started to chat quite frequently. But even the ones that I was really close to live in Melaka and Shah Alam. Nonetheless, they were the nicest people ever. Not only Malaysians but I also started to have good friends from Canada, UK, Australia, New Zealand, Indonesia, and the US of course. They were as young as twelve to as old as forty. Sounds creepy? Not at all. The best thing was, I know that these people sometimes do not have a clue what I meant by SPM, and Maulidur Rasul, or Pasar Ramadhan. But their comments...it is as if they were next to me at the Pasar Ramadhan buying ayam percik together.

The way we bonded was special. If we read a blog that is interesting, we would leave a comment and it is expected for the owner of the blog to reply that comment at the person's own blog. I know, it is almost the same as blogging here or anywhere else. But the difference is that the people of blogspot, or blogdrive, or wordpress, or whatever, are so diversified. You don't know where the common ground between you and another blogger lies. At my previous journal, we ALL have one thing in common. If there's nothing else to talk about, we can talk about that thing. Personally, that was the best thing I remember of my tween-hood.

When the journal started, the site would usually receive more than 1000 visitors at a time. I would post an entry if I see my friends are online for I know they were going to read it a.s.a.p. when they saw my name pop in the list of visitors. During the first year, we were all competing to get into the top ten most read journals of the week. I once got as high as number four for one week. Number four out of 10000 journals! And what did I write about? Nothing! Just my sorrows and happiness, my downfalls and achievements, my heartaches and laughter, and what food I ate for the day from morning till night. How can you not tear up to such sincerity? Nothing has ever beat that in my life so far.

Why am I writing all these? Well, first of all, I just realized that this is my blog. I have all the right to write whatever I want to. Second of all, I don't care if I don't sound intelligent enough, or emotional enough, or funny enough, or wordy enough or even 'visual' enough in my blog. It is time for me to let go of all the expectations others and I put on myself. Yes, I will always miss the days I would get fourteen comments per entry by fourteen different people. Yes, I will always miss the feeling of knowing someone halfway across the globe was thinking of me even for just the few minutes he or she read my newest entry. Yes, I will always miss knowing that when these people congratulate me they meant it wholeheartedly because they have no reason whatsoever to compete or be jealous with me; they were so far away! Still, I'm going to try my best to continue writing as how I did when I was number four among thousands of writers.

My last entry on that journal was on June 24 2007. Why I stopped? Because the rest have also stopped writing and till today I will never know why they did so. Maybe because of other commitments? Most probably. I was fourteen then and I am twenty now. The thing that should change for me, unlike them, will only and only be my vocabulary.

-C-