2008

Taking cues from other bloggers, this is my recap of 2007. Well, it’s not really a recap. But when you guys were talking about the New Year… there’s only one moment in 2007 that got me thinking of how lucky I am to be where I am now.

The date was 5th December. It happened around 6 pm. Approximately six hours before my family had to leave. We were in my dad’s car, on our way back from my grandparents’ place. Remember I wrote here don’t let me start on how bad I was crying a few hours before they left, right. Well, it actually started then, in the car. Out of the blue my dad asked all of us, “So did we all get what we wanted for 2007?” Suddenly I was sobbing like mad. Yeah, we did... Alhamdulillah… :) I got everything I’ve ever prayed for: Success in my SPM to the highest level, a scholarship to do what I want to do, and to the place that I want to go. Basically, that’s all that I wished for the year two-oh-oh-seven. My parents got what they wanted too and my brother got to pursue his life-long dream of being an animator (his email address of syazwanimator hasn’t changed since he was TWELVE!) So yeah, my family has been in a good position this year. And I dare not wish for something more next year or even the years after next... :)

Dear God, please keep my family in good health and give us strength for us to be better persons individually and also as a whole. Dear God, may You grant us all our wishes that are good to us and keep us away from those that can ruin us. Dear God may 2008 be just another number in the calendar and that You would keep blessing us with all Your glory no matter what the date is.

Anyway, after that my dad jokingly asked what our next aims are for 2008. What’s my aim for next year? Let it just be between me and the pages of my unpublished drafts :)

-C-

BGF

I have this best friend. He has a girlfriend. But a while back he told me that he actually liked me for years but he couldn’t do anything since I was in a ‘relationship’ back then. So that’s why he has a girlfriend now that’s not me. He admitted that at first their relationship was rocky because the girlfriend found out he only took her as a girlfriend because he couldn’t get me. But thankfully they’re very much happy now. And he and I are still best friends :)

A few years back, my best friend – Fayyadhah - and I had this theory: A guy and a girl cannot be ‘just best friends’ because if that person supposedly knows everything about you, then what is holding the two of you from having a relationship? I guess people would retaliate by saying if there are no feelings, then there are no feelings and you can’t force it. But what’s the point of feelings if there’s no chemistry? What’s the point of passion if there’s no commitment and intimacy? Which coincidentally I believe is what ‘best-friendship’ is made of.

But as I was thinking… All of my BGFs (Best Guy Friends) do have girlfriends. Anyway, it’s like it is only these people that are totally comfortable with me. It’s like, since I’m not their girlfriend and I DO NOT care that much on my behavior around them, they enjoy my ‘boyish’ company. It’s like I’m the substitute to what they don’t have with their girlfriends. And I so don’t mind it at all because I love them so much already. But that’s it. I simply realized that the guys I am usually very close with have girlfriends of their own.

And I guess that is why the guys and I are able to stay best friends. I know them inside and out and for years but my own theory just doesn’t apply to me because they already have their own girlfriends! ;-) Yes, we do have intimacy (heck I’m the one they confide in about their relationship problems) and we are committed to each other (years people, I’m talking two digits here) but circumstances kept pushing us the other way around.

Thus, it seems like I'll forever be 'just the best friend' but at this point in my life, I don't really mind :)

-C-

p/s: It is true what they say, I tend to have a long muqaddimah when my point is actually only a sentence long :p Sorry!

Hari Raya

SELAMAT HARI RAYA AIDILADHA!!!

Since today is Eid-ul-Adha in Malaysia, I would like to talk about my experiences so far being alone, away from my family. Or should I say my family being away from me. Remember on the night of their departure I wrote that I hope there’s a hikmah out of me being alone, right. Well, I can’t really say I know exactly what it is, but I do know that I have learned a lot since.

I guess what I’ve mostly learned is what it means to be a family. I mean, sure, I love my family and they love me and that’s pretty obvious. But things have gotten a bit …familiar. They go to work, I go to school, and we came home and rest together at night. But since they’ve been gone, I started to see through their eyes and hence start to really understand the feeling of unconditional love. I didn’t actually learn about how to be part of a family; instead I have learned on how it feels to be the head of a family.

“With great power comes great responsibility.”

I started thinking that most children – including me – don’t really appreciate their parents. Some kids think that since they gave birth, they simply HAVE to feed you, clothed you. In some sense, yes, it is their responsibility. But if they decided to just abandon you they hell can do so. But did they? Trust me, till the day you have the house under your feet, you will never know what it feels like to have real responsibilities.

While my parents are gone, I’m the head of the house. Sure, I might be the youngest but it is me that my parents left with their trusts before leaving for Jeddah. If I decided to have parties every other week, I sure can hell do so. Or if I decided that the only food make available in the house is fast food, I can also hell do so. But I didn’t. Because I love my cousins and maid (I don’t like calling her a maid. Let’s call her my housekeeper) very much that I only want the best for them.

~ Most of the time I am the last to sleep as I have to make sure that every gate is locked, the right lights are on and that every TV and computers are off.

~ I actually worry like HELL if my cousins are not back by eleven. Once I slept in front of the TV with my brother’s blanket waiting…just like what my dad did whenever I go out till late at night.

~ I had to take care of my cousins when they were sick. Make sure they got enough rest, well-fed, and see the doctor. I used to wonder how my mum has the strength to come to my every need those days I were sick but now I do. When you love someone, you don’t think, you just do.

~ I had to do the grocery. Okay yeah, I do the grocery even when my mum is home but usually it’s after her shouts of “JA PEGI GIANT!!!!!!!!!” Now, I have to check the kitchen if it’s running out of food and rush to the pasar. (Plus, I have to learn some money management…)

~ I have to get all four of our cars + my dad’s bike engines to start. And I have to take responsibility for…urm…a few scratches…

~ But mostly I have to be the glue of the family. I have to make sure that everybody gets what they want and…just make sure that they are happy so long as they’re under my care. In Islam if the guest stays longer than 3 days, they’re no longer a guest. But a family is forever. Whatever it takes (baking cookies, buying junk food) to see them smile, I’m up for it.

So as you can see, I’ve basically put myself in my dad’s sandals and my mum’s pumps. Now I appreciate every single thing they do to not only keep my happy, but also to keep the family together. It takes hard work but when it is done out of love, you don’t even feel the sweat until they’re all gone.

Today is Eid-ul-Adha in Malaysia. I woke up early and took my cousins to the surau for the Eid-ul-Adha prayer. (My cousins were asking me, “What time will we go to the surau?” “When does the prayer usually starts?” “What are we eating for breakfast?” These are questions I usually asked my parents without really appreciating the answer. You think it is easy to decide stuffs for others? They depend on you no matter how insignificant it is.) After the prayer we had our breakfast, with the lemang we bought last night and the cookies and cake we baked less than 12 hours before. My cousin Kak Yong had to go to work, so I took my housekeeper and cousin, Chor, to our Uncle’s house in Gombak. Then I went to my grandparents’ house in Dato’ Keramat. As I was driving alone just now I felt like crying. On Hari Raya and I am driving alone on the road. I just hang out at my grandparents’ place and ate and ate and ate. My cousins there were asking, “So since your mum is not here, no cakes we guess?” They were surprise that I still brought our famous chocolate cake. I think my friends in INTI don’t know yet how special my chocolate cake is, eh? One day girls :)

But you want to know what really made my day today? Talking to my dad on the phone all the way from Mina, healthy (minus the cough) and out of Ihram already. THAT is the definition of my Hari Raya Aidiladha this year.

-C-

Nerd, and so much more

*Reads previous entry*

Many apologies to my friends!! :( I wrote that when I was feeling… disappointed with someone. And my girlfriends know who that person is… Anyway, after reading it again I’m more disappointed with myself. How can I be so selfish…? For that I apologize, and I hope none of you will be singing “It’s too late to apologize,” now :(

Now for today’s first topic ladies and gentlemen, it is on N.E.R.D. No, not the band, but the adjective. Someone (how many someone do I have, eh) once told me that I’m a nerd (it seems like I’m doing a lot of muhasabah diri right now. Or also called self discovery…I think). You know what, I almost laugh when he said that. The way he said it was in a I’m-sorry-you-spent-a-lot-of-time-studying way (can’t stop giggling. Am I high?) Yeah, I admit that I do a lot of studying. Like I once told Iman, I LOVE studying, no matter what it is on be it Science or Arts or nothing in particular! I really do, and I think that is also why Zaim called me 'book smart'. So, I don’t care if someone wants to label me as a ‘nerd’. First of all, all I can say is, as a Muslim I am only fulfilling my kewajipan (or obligation) in that it is Fardhu Kifarah to learn as many worldly ilmu as I'm able to. Second of all, I’m happy with my achievements so far, thanks to my hard work, or - as you would like to call it – NERDY WAYS ;-) But to those who REALLY know me know that after a hard day's worth of studying, I play even harder! That's why I think none of my high school friends ever call me a nerd. They were with me when I have my books around and they were also with me when I decided to jump from atop a tree behind our school.

Now, let’s move on to today’s next topic. You know what movie I’ve been watching over and over for these past few days? It’s the HBO holiday special, THE HOLIDAY featuring Cameron Diaz, Kate Winslet, Jude Law, and Jack Black. Well, I have actually seen the movie with my aunt when it came out (yeah, so romantic.) The thing is, watching the movie I can’t help but to associate myself with Kate’s character, Iris! Look at her! She’s a mess! She’s a weeper! She’s in love with a guy for three damn years! I’m a mess! I’m a weeper! I’m lovesick by the same guy on and off for a few months now! Gosh! If it took Iris to go to LA to get over Jasper, maybe that’s what I need too; time away from that person. As Miles (Jack Black) puts it, “You can’t get over him if you still contact him. Good for him, bad for you.” With that, believe me when I say I’m on my way people, I’m on my way :)

-C-

p/s: Today my family is at Arafah for Wukuf, the main event during the Hajj. Yup, in Saudi Wukuf is on the 18th but here in Malaysia we celebrate Eid-ul-Adha’ on Thursday. Missing them, as usual… Can’t wait to hang out at my grandparents’ house during Raya though :)

Conversation

Someone once told me that I am a good conversationalist.

Perf, I waved his statement then and there when he said it.

But then he pointed out to me one by one what he meant by it and I realized…yeah he is right. I mean, yes, people like to talk to me…for some reason. At first I thought I was doing it unconsciously but then a light bulb went on and I realized that, no, all my actions may be unconscious now but it’s not like it’s innate. Instead, my dad had actually taught me a long time ago on how to be a good conversationalist. First of all, my dad saw how much I love to talk. So he thought I was going to be a lawyer. But when I got older I told him of my dream to help others, psychologically (hence my decision to disregard medical as an option). Since then he had been coaching me on how to…converse.

The thing is, I guess I’m just an ungrateful b*tch.

Right now, I hate it. I mean, of course I love to listen to my peers’ problems and to help them. It gives me joy inside to help my friends out of trouble. But the thing is nobody seems to want to listen to MY problem. (And sometimes guys just don’t know how to appreciate…) I know, this sounds selfish and a bit over exaggerated. But the sad truth is…it is apparent. If I don’t tell people I’m in a mess, no one wants to ask. And usually when I start talking, it won’t take long before they would turn back to their problem. Me being me, I’d nod and smile and push my problems all the way aside. Want to guess now why I’m sometimes a mess?

Of course, there are people who honestly want to know how I’ve been doing. For example they are my babes from school and my girlfriends from INTI :) Still…sometimes I wish I don’t know how to listen so that people would instead just listen to me talk without me having to start with a “I have a problem,” first.

This may be a selfish entry, but once in a while, I’m sick of being selfless.

-C-

p/s: I guess that’s why I miss my mummy and daddy too so that I can talk to them… God, it's exactly one more month till their flight back :(