Alhamdulillah

Alhamdulillah, God has been his Ar-Rahman self, The All Beneficent, The Most Merciful, The Compassionate, and The Most Gracious with me ever since the first day I stepped foot on INTI's ground. He has not given up on me after all these years of success and has continued to award me with many many things to be grateful for from the time of my first semester here. And He has not disappoint me this time either.

However, I just wish that one day I'll be able to outdo myself :) Now THAT would be a celebration. Till then, I know God has the best plan laid out for me right now. So go Chesza and all my friends!

-C-

p/s: I have to be honest that at first I did not plan to write an oh-so-cheery entry like I did. I've seen the pattern of INTI people seldom congratulating one another maybe out of competitiveness. They seem to only care of how they beat one another. But oh well, congratulations to everyone anyway! Believe me, you deserve what you get :)

The BIG P

I have been with him for only...seven months. Barely past the half year mark. But I think I have learned to understand him and his actions more. People say that when you spend a lot of time with a person, you'll slowly develop the person's personality. And I am not complaining.

What I'm trying to say is, I'm starting to understand his stand on politics. Regarding the whole drama of the recent by-election, I am actually very proud of myself. Seriously. I realized recently that when it comes to the big P, I have come to aspire to be like two persons - my boyfriend and my lecturer, Prof Borges. I know for a fact that both of them are very passionate about politics but they don't show it. When I say they don't show it it doesn't mean that they don't care. They are just being professional, being logical, unlike me. And that's what I strive to be now.

Almost all my teenage life people have said that I am too sensitive and that sometimes I got blinded by it. I used to deny it by objecting that when I am passionate about something, I put my whole heart into it. I didn't realize then that THAT's the problem. I only put my heart into it. What about the most important part - my head? It's sad that I'm only starting to see what others have been telling me for ages. I admit now that I used to be quite biased. I only read stories/news from one side. I have only one political leader on my "Chesza is a fan of..." on my Friendster page. How can I debate, fight, and be an effective political science major with this attitude?

Now I want to start doing what I should have done a long time ago. Don't get too attached. I should turn back to the old me, when I still wanted to become a psychologist. I never like politics back then especially political leaders. I never believe that there is a better one. Like Dr. Renuka said, "There is no such thing as a good politician." When I think of it this way, I see things much clearer. I don't mix anger and frustration with opposing political views anymore. Nowadays I don't even blame the ruling party for everything that's wrong in the country. The truth is, many things led to this mess and I don't want to point fingers anymore. They say that when you point a finger, there are three more fingers pointing back at you. Maybe they have their faults but so does the other party. It's just human nature: power makes people do all sorts of crazy things. And not one person can guarantee the opposing party won't turn the same way. Research have shown that sooner or later we always disapprove of the same leaders we voted into office. Why is that so?

I guess what I want right now is just a happy and healthy Malaysia. It's not much to ask for but nevertheless it is on my wish list for the coming National Day this Sunday :)

SELAMAT MENYAMBUT HARI KEMERDEKAAN KE-51!

-C-

the weekend.

Last weekend the boyfriend came over. He came on Saturday and I picked him up from the Ampang Star LRT station. We went to KLCC first for a while before heading back home. At my house as usual, if you don't eat you cannot stay there (thus, me becoming me). As soon as we stepped through the door my mum was already waiting at the dining table with many kinds of food spread on the table. And then that night it was all about macaroni soup. Only after all the stuffing did we start 'studying'. Haha what can you really study for TOEFL anyway. So we actually just fooled around making fun of one another as usual. It went on until midnight when we were too tired to laugh anymore. The next day we woke early (something both of us had not done for a long time) and got ready. My parents sent us to the testing center and instead of being three hours as what I had told my parents, it turned out to be four hours. After my parents treated all of us to lunch, I sent him back to the LRT station I had picked him up from the day before. He was soon on the bus heading back to his hometown.

It was a simple weekend, nonetheless a lovely one. No extravagant dinners or special treatments or anything like that. Just my family, him, and I. And us being us, there were a lot of name calling, fooling around and being plain sarcastic. Sometimes I wonder if this is normal and healthy. I mean, I don't see many couples around me act as we do. But the truth is, this is the kind of relationship I had wanted to be in since a long time ago. One where there's no pretensions or walls between us. I guess the truth is he is the only one I can truly be myself by acting the way I do and saying the things I said without regretting a single thing later. I'm glad he is the opposite of me. I am having so much fun bullying him around for being himself :p

-C-

A Thousand Splendid Suns

I know it is a bit late for me to be reading this amazing book by Khaled Hosseini but who cares. It is a very good book that it evokes many sides of me. Hey, arts are supposed to stimulate the senses, to affect emotions, and to evoke ideas, right? ;-)

Khaled Hosseini did another amazing job with this book. It is again set in Afghanistan, in Herat at first and then it moves to Kabul. But this time, instead of the heroin fleeing the country like what the hero in The Kite Runner did, they stayed for the three decades when Afghanistan was under the Soviets, The Mujaheddin, and then lastly the Taliban before the United States army landed. But I'm not going to talk about the beautiful way Khaled Hosseini narrates this historical fiction but instead of the symbolic messages behind it all.

This is a story of Mariam and Laila. Mariam is a love-child, an 'anak luar nikah', or simply put in the book as a harami. Laila on the other hand is this beautiful young girl who was crazily in love with her boyfriend, Tariq, and ended up giving birth to their child, Aziza, out of wedlock. At first glance, a conservative Malaysian might not like the idea of it all. But I do. This is a real fictional story of the real world. There is no denying of it happening, both in the 70s and also right now. But as the story unfolds you can see that neither of the girls is bad. Laila just...slipped. And their lives intertwined when both were forced to marry an old man who lost his wife and son in a freak accident.

Now about this man. He beats up his wives as he wishes. He FORCED them to wear the burqa. He is a drinker and has no respect for woman. And as I was reading I can't help but to associate this with how most ignorant people view my religion. Most people see Islam as unfair. Why do women have to cover up and not men? Why do men can marry four women whereas the same 'privilege' is not given to women? Why does a woman have to go out with a mahram but a man is free to wander off alone? Well, I'm not here to explain one by one of these questions because I'm no better than any other ordinary slave of God to explain to the curious. I'm going to leave these questions to those who are interested to seek for themselves because the TRUTH will portray itself.

I just have a few questions myself. We trust the law because it is supposedly written by better-known people, right? Then why is it so hard for us to trust the law from the Almighty that knows EVERYTHING? Why have we, humans, become so obnoxious to think that we are so good that we don't need guidance anymore? Why do we think so highly of this life we have now but if we look back in history we are actually turning back the clock of time to days when there is no religion, when uncivilized people buried their little girls?

Sigh... I guess reading this book reminds me of how I used to be. I used to stand for what's right, both spiritually and rationally. But I've lost sight of it for a while. I don't want that to happen again. I don't want to lose my faith and myself especially when I know I'm going to the land of 'the free' next year. I may have side tracked for a while but God Almighty helped put me back on it, where I absolutely belong.

Believe me, I'm not the person to condemn 100% what Laila did with Tariq. They were humans, and especially they were kids (okay teenagers). But the thing is, they have shame so that's why they turned back to the humble prayer rug they have. For that, I salute them both. About the old man Laila and Mariam was forced to marry, let me say this: He was a hypocrite. He forces his wives to wear the burqa but beat them half dead behind closed door. Islam never teaches that. Yes, you may teach your wives to cover up but Islam has the highest respect for women. No man is supposed to lay his bare arms on his wife like that. Islam is beautiful. Even to teach your wife or kids a lesson, there are rules, ways, and strategies we can use. They are people too and who else knows the best way to control humans beside the creator of humans Himself? But instead people nowadays are obsessed with psychologist because supposedly they know everything. Who are they above God? Think of this my fellow brothers and sisters.

However, the only think I don't like about the book is the name of the antagonist: Rasheed.

-C-

p/s: believe it or not, my laptop 'rosak' again so that's why I haven't been online for quite a long time :(

F.I.N.A.L.S. O-VAAAH! =D

Okay, so where should I start. I guess, let me start by saying that I'm not trying to rub it in anybody's face but I'm quite (kind of really...) happy with my finals, coursework, and overall way I've handled this semester :)



Last Friday was the start of my finals with Microeconomics as the 'opening'. It is true as what most people said: Adrian tried to kill us all through the objective questions. It was nothing like Ms. Sheila's tests but I sympathize more with students from section 5A because they on the other hand NEVER have objective questions either for their tests or quizzes. But for the rest of the exam it was not that hard. I would say I have an okay feeling about it :)



On Tuesday I had my US History paper. For that paper I specifically remembered Lils' confident expression when she said, "I just read her notes only!"So that's what I did. But I don't blame her when ALL of us were shocked to find out that it was BORGES who wrote the paper! The objective section was quite confusing (since it's not from the resource link where Dr Renuka usually get her questions) and the section B consist of one word questions about things Dr Renuka NEVER mention in class. Therefore I would say section C is the best for me. Still, I was so 'gelabah' then that I'm not even so sure of how I did. Yet, because it is Dr Renuka, my coursework is quite okay so I'm hoping that (with my debate!) should be able to help me get through History (Plus, I wiki-ed some of the questions I had doubts on and was happy to find out I got those questions correct).



Next on Thursday was my CSC final examination. My whole opinion on it is concluded in one sentence I said to Him after the exam, "I wish I had asked Ms Chong to do my recommendation letter instead of Dr Renuka." I really have high hopes for my CSC but we'll see. I don't want to say much :)



Today, my last paper was Anthropology. When I first saw the objective questions I thought I was screwed. What with questions on tribes and all. But when I really look at the questions they were actually not that hard if I use my common sense. And the short answer and essay part was okay la for me. Alhamdulillah I remembered almost everything the questions asked for and I really had fun answering my section C essay. I did on religion, which is something I held really close to my heart. But knowing Borges I never expect an A even since the beginning of the semester.

In conclusion, like I said just now, I'm really happy with how I handled this semester. I did not stress too much on every single thing like what I did last semester and Alhamdulillah God really wants to help me this time around as I did quite okay for all my tests. So I guess I'm going to keep on with this 'relax' state I'm in and just try my best in everything I do. How I stressed myself out doing Physics last semester did not help the rest of my subjects...Although it did help me get a B for that one frigging hard subject that I'm really proud of :) But then again...I don't think it's possible for me to relax next semester. What with Calculus being kind of like Physics again...

Ah never mind la, take things in stride and God will definitely help me with this fight :)

-C

First semester again?

"Sometimes I remember
The Darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories
I wish I didn't have
Sometimes I think of letting go
And never looking back
And never moving forward so
There would never be a past."

Those are my favorite lines off my favorite song from my favorite rock band. And there's of course a reason to why I cried the first time I heard it.

What I'm going through right now is actually nothing new. For the past nineteen years of my life, I've always had this love-hate relationship with my past and also my memories of them. I know for sure that I don't regret my past for they made me who I am. But then, some are better left all the way at the back of my head, deep down underneath memories of torn shoes and bruised arms. Then again, there are times when I wish to be stuck here where I am because moving on is also scary since I know it brings with it its own memories-to-come. And that's what I'm going through now.

He knows how I've been complaining to Him last weekend of how I missed the good old days. Days when I have no worry in the world except what excuse to give my teacher the next time she caught me sleeping in class. But actually I wasn't telling Him the whole truth. The memory that was killing me last weekend was of my first semester right here in INTI. Some people would question me, why the first semester? Wasn't I much more grounded and happier during my second semester? Yes, I was. But who says my first semester was any less joyous?

The thing is, I don't think I need to repeat to y'all what is it about my first semester that is so special; you know it so well already. The emotions that were flying high that time made me feel...alive. I know I know, sounds like a drama queen, no? But again as I've mentioned, those were the times that really taught me who I am, who are my friends, what is love and the most important thing is the believe in takdir.

So now here I am, in my room in INTI, listening to those songs that used to accompany me at 3 o'clock in the morning while I mended my heart. Quoting Diana, "It's not the event, but it's the feeling." Yup. I don't miss the nights I spent crying. I miss the following day when I woke up feeling much stronger for surviving another night right here...at Inti International University-College, Nilai.

All thanks to the songs I've been listening to and the people I've been talking to, I am now officially reminiscing my precious first semester at the end of this third semester of mine here :)

'Happy Finals' everyone!

-C-

Driving = Independence?

Today I led the way as Pia tailed behind me all the way from INTI because she needed to go to UIAM which is like fifteen minutes away from my house. I admit that it was actually nice driving below 100km/h for once... No, it's not an insult or whatever; I really did enjoy driving slowly and eventually arriving at my house an hour later.

As I was driving, I can see from my rear-view mirror how Pia was holding on the steering wheel with all her life (sorry if I exaggerate Beb!) And I was brought back to memories of when I started to bring my car to INTI a year ago. The first week of orientation my dad did not allow me to bring my cute little Whitey along but allowed me to do so the next week and he was there next to me as I drove (he then went home with my mom and bro with the CRV.) And then came Friday and my dad was waiting for me outside INTI on his motorbike to 'teman' me as I drove back all the way from Nilai to KL alone in the car. It was quite funny seeing a supposedly fast super bike following behind a slow Kancil on the highway. And then near UPM I lost my dad and had to drive back all alone. I remember how independent I felt (to quote Pia) Now imagine how I felt the NEXT week when I had to drive back without ANYONE, be it in the car or on a bike. Point is, I drove for an hour all alone.

It is true what Pia said. People like me take for granted this independence my parents grant me with. Now a year later I don't even think when I'm driving... seriously! It's all automatic now; which lane to be on, which exit to take. Leading Pia back just now reminded me that not everyone has the opportunity like I do to go back at whatever time I want and not having to wait in line or having to buy tickets or even having to wait for someone to come pick me up. For that, I thank you, PAPA and IBU for trusting me even though I know how you guys worry EVERY TIME I'm on the road. Thank you.

This post is in conjunction with my 'P' license expiring in three weeks time :)

-C-

A Visit

The father came all the way from Lumut yesterday to visit his sick daughter (me!) and his son-in-law-to-be. We had lunch at some 'Specialist in Tomyam' restaurant in Nilai town. (Elly, remind me to take you there because it's written specifically there in their menu of KERANG REBUS) They had nice and 'innovative' food which almost cure my coughing fits. But unfortunately it didn't :( Microeconomics final exam is tomorrow and I'm already imagining myself on my own bed at home...

-C-

f.r.i.e.n.d.s.

I've always said this because I believe wholeheartedly in it:

Real friends NEVER leave no matter if they are worlds apart or have not spoken to each other for over a year. REAL FRIENDS come back after those time away from each other and then be just like yesteryear again.

But my question today is this:

What about those people who slowly and artfully leave their friends' side until one day you woke up and wonder what happened to those days of shallow talks about the weather. You won't even realize these people are escaping until they are continents (or maybe STATES) away. Are they still considered as friends as they took the trouble to not hurt your feelings? But the result nonetheless is still the same. What do you call these people? Hmm... If you are reading this, please, just leave. Don't put up an act to eventually hurt me OR my friends. It.is.sick.

-C-

p/s: just to clarify, even this post is NOT about you Zaim :)