I'm sick

I did not have a picture perfect life whilst growing up. But I guess no one does, right. "There's always a trade-off," they say in economics. Try applying that in everything else and you get the formula to life. I'm always happy to share my stories and opinions concerning experiences faced and dealt with even if they're not perfect. Although I know that they don't mean much to most, I believe that everybody has the right to tell his story so why not spare a few minutes to listen.

Wait. Did I just write that? Let me check back. Oh yeah, I did...

Sometimes I find myself so funny that when I laugh I frown. I wrote once that sometimes I avoid other blogs because I'm afraid to read undesired materials especially if it's about me. In other words, I am not allowing others to explain themselves. So how dare I made that earlier comment.

But that's the point of this entry. I am sick. I am very sick. I am on my deathbed if there is an actual hospital catering to emotional sickness. Not mental, emotional. After almost a year of being with him I realized that I crave the wrong things all my life. Love is not important to me, attention is. I sometimes hurt others in order to not hurt another. It's haywire up there in my head, the result of twenty years of living.

Approaching my birthday and I realized that actually I am emotion-dead, if that's a real term. However, do not fret, this happened to me before. But it happened around the same time I numbed myself from physical pain. Now, I just feel like I've been through enough emotions already to last a lifetime that I have none to shed anymore. I used to pride myself for being strong, nothing can push me off my feet anymore, I can stand and live on my own. Truth is, I am not any stronger from the next person but I have learned along the way to smile and move on. Smile and move on. Smile and move on. Wait a sec, ain't that what adults do? Anyway.

Unfortunately, this sickness, this intangible cancer of mine, destroy those that I should smile most to. Instead, towards them I would not spare a second worth of a smile if I don't feel like it. Do I take for granted that they can't leave me? Maybe. Do I take for granted that their love is unconditional? Certainly. Someone who can leave me with a turn of a heel? I would plaster my stupid grin even if it hurts the muscle around my cheek. In school, I was nominated a few times for having a 'sweet smile'. How lucky they are for this smile is really 'expensive' to those who I are important to me.

Why am I writing all these? Because I broke down the other night and ended telling him everything. EVERYTHING. How I happened to be like this, this current Syaza Farhana. And he accepted EVERYTHING. Touched? Is there a stronger version to that emotion?

I have no regrets. That's my motto in life. Maybe it sounds wrong because as a Muslim I need to have regrets in order to repent. See how sick I am? I try to ask forgiveness from God everyday but I do not regret making ALL the mistakes I've made for if not for those mistakes I would not learn. I DO NOT regret a lot of things. I do not regret reading a book just to hate it later because if not I would not know exactly my taste in literature. I do not regret saying some bad things to my friends for if I didn't our bond would not be as tight as it currently is. I do not regret having to move because, well, the decision's been made. I do not regret getting speeding tickets for I'll have stories to tell my grandchildren (not my children or they'll follow in my footsteps).

This is me. I am sick, but I have the skill to hide it. They say if there are two patients diagnosed with cancer, the optimist one, or the one best able to put on a smile during visiting hours, has the best chance to live. I wonder now what's my chance.

-C-