More on P

Last Wednesday Datuk Mohd Zaid Ibrahim came to INTI to give a one hour talk. I usually don't give much attention to INTI's guest speaker series and it's no different this time. It was until he told me that he wanted to go that I found out. I did not even know of the topic of his talk until Dr Lim told us in class that it would be on 'Integration in Malaysia after 51 years of Independence'. So okay I went. I did expect it to be packed, but seriously I was not expecting to see so many familiar faces of JPA students, non JPA students, local, international, seniors, juniors, lecturers and staff members to the point that they have to add additional rows of chairs at the back of the lecture theater.

I think Datuk Zaid did a very good job in presenting the real situation in Malaysia and of his ideas and opinions too. Even though I have to admit that some of the things he said are known to the public for a while now, it was he who was brave enough to say it out loud. I liked it that he even praised INTI for being brave as an education institution to call him to give a speech after all that he had said for the past few months.

As I mentioned, all of us Malaysians are well aware of what we are currently going through. We do live side by side with each other but we are never really together (except when there's food involved ie kenduri). I myself am embarrassed with some of the people that I know of that are so racist I feel like drowning them. Yes, race we cannot change. We're born into one race and not another. Then why is it that we have to discriminate each other based on the condition we were born into? It's not that fair, is it. I have to ask is it really true that all Chinese are smart and that all Malays are kaki ampu? I honestly don't think so. Those are qualities that we acquired as we live our lives, and certainly not traits that are written in our DNAs. But the mentality that we have, discriminating the people of our own country based on the color of our skin, unfortunately is seeping into the minds of our next generation at a high rate. So don't complain if 51 years from now we are not any different.

Datuk Zaid mentioned that it is understandable for the government to provide aids - safety nets - to those who need them most but with a condition: do not do so base on race. But when certain sides say that we cannot question the contract that was written many years ago for Malays to get all the special privileges, aren't we not undermining our own people's intelligence? Why can't we question? Why not we improve? When we were young we were taught to ask questions in class; why is it any different now? Datuk Zaid recalled that years back it is okay for Malays and Chinese and Indians to sit at a round table and discuss. That was how we reached an agreement called the NEP. But now, we do not dare mention it out loud for fear of the 'sensitiveness' of it. Why?

I don't know about you but for me, that is why I don't mind TM calling me names, asking me about the difference on Melayu moden and Melayu tradisional, trying to be all Islamic, and most of all I don't mind him asking for his satay Kajang still. I have respect for him because as a Malaysian, he talks in Bahasa Malaysia with me. At first I did find it weird but now because of that I really see him as another Malaysian, not just a Chinese. Yet I am sad when he said once, "Kau la masuk politik ubah negara kita. Aku tak boleh, aku Cina." Why must he think that way? The same thing applies to why do Malays feel they HAVE to have special rights on certain things such as scholarships? Why must some Malays feel like they cannot compete?

I am currently not for or against any political party. I don't see much light in any of the parties we have right now. I want to support one side, but I see the fate of many America's failed parties written in their stars too. Malaysia is a young country. Just barely half a century old. America was 'born' in 1776. Even as the greatest democracy in the world right now, in 1827, 51 years after their independence, they too are struggling for the perfect two-party system. My point is, be patient dear countrymen. We will reach there one day, insyAllah. And I certainly will not side with the people at the other end for I will never conform to their political principles. So where do I stand?

I don't like to think myself as being in the middle. It sounds like I do not have any principles. I do. And that principle is justice. That's it. I know that sounds impossible in the world of politics - which I'm doomed to be involved in one day - but I still have faith maybe not in Malaysia today, but in the Malaysia of tomorrow. I see it in the eyes of our students. I see it in the fire and the debates they have with each other. Their openness to talk is refreshing.

However, I do have one complaint. Just because you are doing a degree in science does not make you any better than those who are doing a degree in arts. DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE THE PEOPLE WHO ARE STUDYING THE ART OF HUMAN BEINGS. Moreover, just because you have a degree, period, does not make you any better than a student. When you do not, or will not, plan to dedicate a large portion of your life to the world of politics, it is more than probable that your judgement will be biased. When you have other things to attend to, you do not take the time to sit back and read the opinions of both sides. And if you do, you just let them fall on deaf ears. It is okay to talk on politics but do not talk based on your emotions for no one will respect those who smirk and shake their heads AND do not allow others to share their opinions too. Just try to not embarrass yourself.

-C-

KL

Yesterday was Thursday. Like I've mentioned before, Thursday is now my free day for there's no more Statistics lab for me, yay! BUT, since I had to send our SPSS project, which right now I'm not sure if Ms Chuah will like or not, I still woke up quite early and got ready as if I had to go to class. So, after printing and dropping it at Ms Chuah's room, I took the car and...off I went to KL!

I had to go back to KL for I had to go to the clinic to get my pills. (Sorry Lils I couldn't send you to the airport :( ) But before that I stopped by my house to get my appointment card because I forgot to bring it along to INTI. I was shocked when I came by and saw Joko, our head laborer, having a chat with my maid because the last time I saw him he was going back to Medan. But anyway, since he wanted to go to the Batang Benar KTM, I drove him there and then woosh I went to the clinic at Jalan Ipoh.



After seeing the doctor (the clinic was empty), we wanted to have lunch and me being sentimental and all, I said I want to go to NZ Curry House, the place where I spent nights with my family, friends, cousins, and everyone else! :) He said I looked awkward and out of place but truth is I was just taking it all in especially since it was raining...





After lunch I drove us to my old house in Taman Permata. On the way we passed the pisang goreng stall that my father loves so much so I stopped the car and asked him to buy them for me to send home for my father after he got back from work. The smell of the pisang goreng in my car while it was raining...memories, memories...



So then I parked my car in front of my house. There was something I thought would be in the mail for me but...there wasn't! (Don't get jealous Diana and Rassyid!) I was so relieved. Without waiting for tears to come rolling down I started making our way back to INTI and Nilai...

When I arrived back I did not sleep as expected by myself, but instead I turned on my laptop and worked on my evidences for the History trial. Two paternity tests and a wedding picture of...me! :p Only when I was done that I fell asleep for a nap. I was so afraid that I wouldn't be able to finish those evidences since my lawyer already said she expected our evidences to be ready by the night. But when I went to the 'meeting' that night some were still working on their part of the evidences. So I sat there, looking at them, tried making small talks with Ana...and then gave up. I excuse myself after an hour of doing nothing. But I did not go back to the room but I teman him to Pia's trial video shoot. They were shooting a Nazi scene and Pia asked him to be one of the Nazis. All of them were wearing black and coincidentally so was I! I wanted to be part of the video but did not voice it out. Only after they were done shooting that Azim also thought that the video would have looked cooler with a female Nazi in it.

And today in History, Prof Borges was reviewing our evidences and he liked the ones that I did :) Excuse me for for being happy with my effort. He especially laughed at my 'wedding picture'. So I'm happy. All happy :)

-C-

5th

:(

Let me start the post with how I'm feeling by putting that little downward 'smiley' up there. Nah, I'm not sad because something bad happened but I think I kind of see this semester - my fifth semester - being shelved in my memory as an unproductive one. It's just that... when I think of waking up to 8 o'clock Statistics classes I just cringe for I don't enjoy it as much as I think I would. I'm not going to blame the lecturer, it's just me. I guess I can't wait to start taking courses on Political Science right now, however hard and scary it may sound to me. Government Comparison sounds so appealing than this statistical methods which apparently is NOT, I repeat, NOT required by Pittsburgh.

Even for my US History class, I just dread going to meetings after meetings only to go over what we have covered in class when my favorite trial - my POL 101 class's trial - only had meetings THREE times ONLY during the week of our trial. And we won. You know what, I'm going to write a post on 'advices' to future Prof Borges students on how to have a fun and practical trial. Art...oh don't let me start on it. I'm just glad the test was done and over with and now I'll only have to focus on my confusion on how the final paper would look like for he has only 'taught' us how or what to answer for the objective questions.

The only thing I'm happy about this semester? ENL102 and Dr. Lim. I'm happy with the work I've done so far regarding my research project and right now in ENL, it's just for me to listen to his grandfather's story and be prepared for the United States...five months from now. I'm glad I took his class instead of Public Speaking.

So that's all my update :) Oh, and also today the fifth person said that I'm slimmer now than before. I think - if I want to think as a normal female - I should be happy. But honestly, I'm not. I just got worried. I don't want to be slim. I like having fat. It makes me feel human. I'm going to start eating again! Yes...I WILL!

-C-

Let.Go.

Sounds evaporating from my ears,
Silence is suddenly taking over,
It’s spinning now with thoughts so unsure
of dreams and happiness...will it ever come by?
Don’t simply judge what you just read,
Neither am I down nor I am dead,
Just wondering of life and also my fate,
Will I ever be happy...one of these days?
Again I warn, my words are just words,
If you see me smile that’s straight from my heart,
Still not believing what I just wrote?
Believe me now for my words are worth
more than that dime in your shirt’s breast pocket.
Hold on for that someone so dear,
For I have met my someone so dear,
Will you always be, dear? Answer me dear.
Why do I sound so bitter and cold?
When the chill that I feel is only the wind,
Am I turning to a person unkind?
Please somebody, tell me not so.
These things in my grasp I’m not letting go,
My eyes are never ever deceiving.
Truth and gold may slip when you trip,
Both are priceless...don’t you see to agree?

-C-

Engagement...or marriage?

Today I went to a dear cousin's engagement. Before I rant off, I would like to say CONGRATULATIONS KAK NURUL! HOWEVER I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU FOR GETTING MARRIED WHILE I'M IN THE STATES! Okay, now that's off my shoulder.



Many of my relatives came today with issues of their own regarding marriages and/or engagements. I mean, personal issues. For example, one aunt will always be haunted with the question of, "When's your turn?" My Kak Nurul older siblings will also have to come up whether with a partner soon or a quick reply as to why their sister is going first. My other cousins who are a few years younger than her will be asked or simply said to, "Lepas ni time kamu la pulak," in our Perak accent and a slap on the back. Me? I was asked this more than once today, "Tak nak tunang dulu ke sebelum fly? (Why don't you get engaged first before going off?)" As what my Kak Yong said, more than one is plural; I was asked not once, but a few times.

And as I've mentioned before, I would love to see myself as Muslim first and Malay second. No, I have nothing against engagements but I don't, and I don't think the rest either, understand thoroughly the concept of an engagement. For me, personally, there are two main reasons why people get engaged. First of all, it is for the couple to get ready all the necessaries: financial, spiritual, and even physical. The second reason is, engagement is like a contract between the couple and the two families. They are saying that as long as you keep to your side of the agreement, we will keep to ours, and that is you'll be mine, I'll be yours, no one shall take any of us away, and we will meet again as husband and wife. But then, I remember what my aunt on my father's side (Kak Nurul is on my mother's side) once said after another aunt cucuk me on getting engaged too, "You don't need to get engaged now. Three years in the States is a long time and you will meet many others there." Of course, she doesn't know that I have someone that is going to the States with me and I did not bother to tell her then. But truth is, I agree with her. I have always been a person who believes in jodoh. That is, our partners have already been decided by God a long time ago. If he is for me then insyAllah, there will be no problem and we WILL be together one day. I believe in that.

Have you figured out the point of my post yet?

Therefore, I do not understand what's the whole interest over when I should get engaged. Why do I need to get engaged before I go off? I know for sure now I am going to the University of Pittsburgh and so does he. We have started scouting for out-of-campus places already. I am definitely - insyAllah - going with him. And unlike Michigan, or Penn State, or Minnesota, there ain't many Malays there; thus there is a low probability that I will fall for someone else (unless of course, I do.) So honestly, I get irritated and I just simply don't feel the need to get engaged.

Ready for the bomb now?

Since I'm first a Muslim, I believe in getting married, though. Okay, I'll give you a moment to read the previous paragraph again... So, have you figured out why? No? Let's see, I mentioned a small thing about us going to the same university and another less insignificant detail about not many Malays will be there. Fine, fine, call me gatal, I allow you to. You know what my response will be? I'M JUST HUMAN. Yes, I try my BEST everyday to be a good Muslimah. I pray to God everyday to keep me away from sinning. But fact is, I will be in the States without any of my close girl friends, and I will be there for three years, and while I'll be missing my home and my family like hell, guess who's going to be by my side. Shall I add that we're majoring in the same thing? Why is this important? Because this little fact is to show that we WILL be spending a lot of time together. Alhamdulillah, I'm not ignorant. I know what's right and what's wrong. I KNOW that it is not nice nor is it right to be spending so much time together with someone who's not your Muhrim. Eh, wait a second. Re-read the sentence I just wrote, "Blablabla...WHO'S NOT YOUR MUHRIM." There you go! That's the beauty in Islam. Islam is not cruel or oppressive or intolerable. It's the people who are. There is actually a way out for Muslims to escape sinning. *drum roll* MARRIAGE!

Yes, yes, you're still allowed to call me gatal.

Many think that I'm speaking out of emotion and lust. But guess what, while my parents and brother were off doing their Hajj and I have nothing better to do, I read a whole BUNCH of books regarding premarital relationship in Islam. And I especially love this one book called CINTA IPT by Maszlee Malik. There is one chapter specially on Nikah Gantung. I'm not interested in explaining what Nikah Gantung is, but there is this part where the author mentioned how our Malay mentality is making our children commit sins behind their parents' backs. He gave examples that UIA, one of the most famous Islamic universities, support marriages between their students and even provide HOUSING AND EXTRA ALLOWANCES for them. Besides that, the author also mentioned how unlike what people think, a wedding should be the last present by parents to their kids - if they can afford it.

Before I come to my conclusion, I would like to say something else to those who are still against early marriage. I've seen it around me and alhamdulillah, I've never heard of any break up between these people, unlike normal marriages. Let's see, two of my friends' parents got married while they were studying in the States when they were twenty (surprise surprise, that's my age!) One friend's sister got married while in her first year in Japan. Another friend's cousin got married a few weeks before she joined her husband in UK, again, when she was twenty. And yeah, I saw their baby girl the other day and she was the cutest thing! And lastly, my Ustazah also got married when she was twenty while they were studying in UK.

My conclusion is...what do you think?

-C-

A Woman's Heart

A Woman's Heart is what it is: a heart,
Easily broken by things untrue,
Lies are no longer lies, Instead an art
performed behind her back,
Bit by bit you went and stole,
She's being less and less of herself anymore,
Only a woman parted off her soul...
I am neither changed nor new,
Just a person created by you.
Time passed. Your words snaked and stabbed
my heart; A Woman's Heart is what it is.
Like an oyster with a shell,
Softly guarded by a wall,
And now's the time to tell,
I beg your attention for
the truth. Wherever you carry the heart,
A woman knows more,
Than what you may expect.
Her heart,
For she a woman who knows.

-C-

Funny

I wrote a note at my Facebook asking my friends to answer some questions about me. There was one question about if they think I am funny and I got mix answers.

I'm sad...


I just realized something. The people that think I am funny are those who are really close to me. Maybe some - most - of you who are reading this do not believe me when I say I can be really funny to the point that I should enter Raja Lawak instead of INTI Idol (hah!). But it's okay :) Because seriously, those who are really close to me like Fayyadhah, Shila, Rassyid and some of my schoolmates always say that I make them laugh till tears roll down their cheeks. Shila once said, "I'm lucky I have a very funny friend to make me forget my troubles," while laughing at something I said. And Rassyid once said that my jokes are "Nabil Raja Lawak" kind of jokes. In other words, maybe low standard la for some of these budak-budak INTI. My jokes are not racist or sarcastic (sometimes). I'm just the kind of person that would sit back, observe a person, and - not make fun per se - make that person laugh at himself or herself. Because I have always believed that a sense of humor is when you are able to laugh at yourself and that's why I love to make fun of myself and of my closest friends. I guess I have to be really comfortable with that someone to know for sure that the person knows I am just joking for me to make those jokes. I'm not witty, I'm just a plain person who loves to laugh and make others laugh too at their own imperfections.

I miss those retards who appreciate me =')

Syawal, Me and Iqa ponteng tugas for a while.

My classmates...

Nabil taking charge =')

Sally aka Salwan (the far left) with her ANTM pose!

My baby...

-C-

Old Journal

I am in the mood of going down memory lane... far far down...

I started a blog six years ago when I was fourteen. Not early in the year though. My first post was dated October 20th 2003. It was a Monday. I did not plan or have even heard of the term blog back then. Heck, I did not even consider that blog as a 'blog' until almost everyone started to have blogs. (Too many b word?) Anyway, I actually stumbled upon this community. It is actually a site where people like me with this one particular interest meet and discuss. This community, they had a message board and chat rooms like most sites but after incidents affecting teenagers started to get out of control, they decided on a journal for teens to share their thoughts and dilemmas...with strangers.

At first I was reluctant. I did not know what to write about. So I just wrote 'Hi' for my first entry and when I checked the next day there were already four comments by people whom I don't know welcoming me to the community. It so happened that the journal just started so most of them were newbies themselves. I was touched.

After that, I started to write almost every day. I try not to miss a day. What do I write about? Mostly about my activities for the day. Sometimes I admit that my posts were quite boring, not thought-provoking enough, and repetitive to the point that if these people were my neighbors they would know exactly where and when I would be at certain time doing what. But I don't mind. Because I know they were not my neighbors. In fact, they were no where close to me. Yes, after a while us Malaysians started to bond and started to chat quite frequently. But even the ones that I was really close to live in Melaka and Shah Alam. Nonetheless, they were the nicest people ever. Not only Malaysians but I also started to have good friends from Canada, UK, Australia, New Zealand, Indonesia, and the US of course. They were as young as twelve to as old as forty. Sounds creepy? Not at all. The best thing was, I know that these people sometimes do not have a clue what I meant by SPM, and Maulidur Rasul, or Pasar Ramadhan. But their comments...it is as if they were next to me at the Pasar Ramadhan buying ayam percik together.

The way we bonded was special. If we read a blog that is interesting, we would leave a comment and it is expected for the owner of the blog to reply that comment at the person's own blog. I know, it is almost the same as blogging here or anywhere else. But the difference is that the people of blogspot, or blogdrive, or wordpress, or whatever, are so diversified. You don't know where the common ground between you and another blogger lies. At my previous journal, we ALL have one thing in common. If there's nothing else to talk about, we can talk about that thing. Personally, that was the best thing I remember of my tween-hood.

When the journal started, the site would usually receive more than 1000 visitors at a time. I would post an entry if I see my friends are online for I know they were going to read it a.s.a.p. when they saw my name pop in the list of visitors. During the first year, we were all competing to get into the top ten most read journals of the week. I once got as high as number four for one week. Number four out of 10000 journals! And what did I write about? Nothing! Just my sorrows and happiness, my downfalls and achievements, my heartaches and laughter, and what food I ate for the day from morning till night. How can you not tear up to such sincerity? Nothing has ever beat that in my life so far.

Why am I writing all these? Well, first of all, I just realized that this is my blog. I have all the right to write whatever I want to. Second of all, I don't care if I don't sound intelligent enough, or emotional enough, or funny enough, or wordy enough or even 'visual' enough in my blog. It is time for me to let go of all the expectations others and I put on myself. Yes, I will always miss the days I would get fourteen comments per entry by fourteen different people. Yes, I will always miss the feeling of knowing someone halfway across the globe was thinking of me even for just the few minutes he or she read my newest entry. Yes, I will always miss knowing that when these people congratulate me they meant it wholeheartedly because they have no reason whatsoever to compete or be jealous with me; they were so far away! Still, I'm going to try my best to continue writing as how I did when I was number four among thousands of writers.

My last entry on that journal was on June 24 2007. Why I stopped? Because the rest have also stopped writing and till today I will never know why they did so. Maybe because of other commitments? Most probably. I was fourteen then and I am twenty now. The thing that should change for me, unlike them, will only and only be my vocabulary.

-C-

Jason's Letter

My darling Orked.

God is answering my prayers. Maggie has decided not to have the baby. She said she won’t destroy her future because of one stupid man. I guess that means me. Orked, I don’t want to talk about her anymore. I want to talk about us. I tried to write a poem in Mandarin about you. I wanted to make you understand how I feel.

But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t. I tried for days. The more I wrote, the more empty my words sounded. At first I felt panic. I couldn’t sleep for many nights. But then, the panic would go away every time I saw your face, or just heard your voice. I used to write poetry because to me, it was like writing letters to God; to tell someone I couldn’t see, how I felt inside. Then finally, God replied. With a poem more beautiful than anything I had ever written. He gave me you.

You are my poetry from God, Orked. Let me hear your voice. Please call me. I will be waiting. Just call me, Orked, so I can sleep peacefully again.

Your sayang, Jason.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was doing a lot of thinking when I realized that I haven't written anything at all for more than a week now. I got worried. Am I no longer connected with the romantic side of mine? Then suddenly I remember of the last few scenes in "Sepet" and especially of the letter Jason wrote to Orked. I'm not saying I'm as sweet or as thoughtful as Jason is, but as I told him before, I used to write because I was upset and angry with the world that no one wants to listen to me. That apparently was also the reason why I started my first blog before. But now...now I don't have anything to be angry about. Because God, being gracious that He is, gave me a person that truly understands and loves me unconditionally. How can anything I write beat that? :)

-C-

Jason

I'm the kind of blogger that loves to write on 'big' or 'special' events in my life. And I'm the kind of person that is very particular with the timing; if something happened on a certain day, I'll try my best to put up a post of it in less than 12 hours. Yet, today is already Friday night and I have not written anything on Jason Mraz's concert. Here's why: While I was planning the entry in my head two nights ago, I realized that I'm going to repeat my other posts on other concerts since all are quite similar. Not much differ. Let's see:

1. Went with the girls and one sesat guy.

2. Got sesat along the way myself, per usual.

3. Ate McD in the car.

4. Park quite far because of the aforementioned sesat-ness.

5. Met the cousins. Passed one to the girls.

6. Enjoyed myself. Jason Mraz is superbly amazing live. The fact that he didn't need an opening act to warm up the crowd says a lot. Love love love the 8 piece band. All the while I was thinking how jimat it is to bring him to do a concert since he needs only one shirt for one whole two hour performance...

7. Went for drinks after the concert.

8. Did not get sesat on the way back.

9. Reached INTI around 1am.

10. Falling more and more in love with Jason Mraz.





The End.

-C-

p/s: I realize that I'm doing more list entries these days. Hmh...

God's creation

Yesterday someone told me of a story about a mutual friend. He said that this friend of ours had a rough time growing up for people were mean in saying things about him. This friend is sad because to his knowledge he did nothing wrong and did not disturb nor cause any problem to those who called him names. He did not ask for God to create him as he is. And it struck me then and there.

I feel his pain. I've been ridiculed when I was young. Well, all of us had. But this ridiculism becomes worse when I had a boyfriend that everybody seems to love. I'm answering your question now Elly why it troubled me that everyone likes him.

I did not ask God to give me only a brother as a sibling.

I did not ask God to be the younger one, subject to my brother's games when young.

I did not ask God to be active and creative outside.

I did not ask God to hate skirts when I started primary school.

I did not ask God to feel excited every time I was under the sun sweating myself - before.

I did not ask God to give me a feeling of excitement from catching tadpoles in drains.

I did not ask God to keep me comfortable in only track pants - before.

I did not ask God to give me such a loud voice.

I did not ask God to be an overactive child.

I did not ask God that adventures excite me.

I did not ask God for me to not care about my looks, my style.

I did not ask God to make me love running more than walking.

I did not ask God to give me the confidence to look guys straight in the eyes.

I did not ask God for a hearty laugh.

I did not ask God to be independent.

I did not ask God to be rough.

I did not ask God to be a leader.

I did not ask God for the patience to learn guitar.

I did not ask God to love rock songs - before.

I did not ask God for me to walk very fast.

I did not ask God for me to be a tomboy.

I did not ask God to be aggressive in getting what I want.

Yet, God bestowed upon me all these qualities that I treasure.

Why is it that some - most - people are shocked that someone so nice could like someone so rough like me? Why is it that some of my family members frown when I told them he actually DREAMED of a tomboyish girlfriend before? Why is it that most people have this idea that only certain types of girls can have boyfriends? God created me this way, which means for Him people like me CAN exist. Why are people questioning?

-C-