Randomness

It's been a long time since I write something... I think. But on the contrary there are a lot of stuffs that's been going on. Well, not in my life actually, but stuffs that have been going through my mind day in n day out... But to put it into words... I guess, I don’t know where to start. These things r moving at a really high speed probably in my mind's highway or something like that. No, they don't fly like Superman. And sometimes they do bump into holes and broke apart by other thoughts. By others' influence on me. But nevertheless, they're there. Haunting me. But it's not like it's all bad. They're good stuffs that I'm discovering n learning. And I don't want it to stop. I want to share, but I don’t know where to start. Back to square one.

Anyway, why I feel this need to write is because I've been blogging for a very long time already. As in, YEARS. ...This is going to b like meta-cognition. Instead of thinking about thinking, I'm going to blog about blogging. Anyway as I was saying, I've been blogging since I was fourteen... Four years ago... I've been telling the world my whole life story since then. But if you ask me the url to THAT blog, hell no I won’t give u. That's the most personal blog I've ever had. Everything. My sadness, my happiness, n my merapuness. I guess why I love that blog so much is because the only people who read it are random people. But random people who eventually become my friends. People that know the deepest of my deepest secret yet they still hung in there for me. Until one fateful day when one of my friends from school confessed she stumbled upon it. Since then I started to filter my entries in that blog...I can't complain much anymore. From there blogging was not that much fun anymore. So I slowly left that place though I have left it with so much memory that sometimes during my emo state I would go back to that blog to read of my past thoughts n emotions, my ups n downs as I went through my adolescent stage. You know how people say they want to keep they're diary to remind them how they were so that they can understand their children later? I hope those entries of mine will b my reminder.

Why is it that I need to blog then...? I guess... I don’t know. I love to write. I love to put my thoughts into words. Regardless of it being a poem or perhaps maybe being just free writing. But the thing is....If any of you have seen my handwriting...You'll know why even I don't want to look at it for a second time. My handwritten stuffs r only meant for formal usages such as exams, not for personal uses as it's.....'Too pretty'. So that's why.

I'm also a very open person. Meaning, I don't really hold anything back. I don't believe in holding things back. You're going to suppressed it and it's going to come out.......Gosh. I'm talking like Freud... Stupid approach. So as I was saying, I just don't believe in holding things back. Because I believe that there's nothing to lose when you share with the people you love. But of course there are certain stuffs I have to keep to myself. Like Marge Simpson said, "You're a woman, you can hold it inside forever," or something like that. See, who says TV is bad.

ANYWAY, as you can see now, these days I write on stuffs really just to inform my parents of how I'm doing here in college (as if I dun see them every weekend). It's just that sometimes the moment would pass and it won’t b the same telling for a second time. Sometimes, I want to write like Elly. As in really write something poetic. I think the stuffs that she wrote is really beautiful. But I just don't 'do' that. I'm more of a...how to say this... See, I've been writing poems since...I think the first poem I wrote was when I was thirteen...but that was really a stupid one. I've improved. And my style is really...I don’t know. Let's just say I'll put my favorite poem that I ever wrote for your own judgment.

A Woman's Heart

A Woman's Heart is what it is; a heart,
Easily broken by things untrue,
Lies are no longer lies, instead an art
performed behind her back,
Bit by bit you went and stole,
She's being less and less of herself anymore,
Only a woman, parted off her soul...
I am neither changed nor new,
Just a person created by you.
Time passed. Your words snaked and stabbed
my heart; A Woman's Heart is what it is.
Like an oyster with a shell,
Softly guarded by a wall,
And now's the time to tell,
I beg your attention for
the truth. Wherever you carry the heart,
A woman knows more,
Than what you may expect.
Her heart;
For she a woman who knows.

So...as you can see above, this blog, is basically about me, the old and the new. The old Chesza is partly different from the new one. The old Chesza is immature but part of that immaturity is this drive...this drive for me to do things, to explore things, n not hold back :) But the new Chesza is one where uses her head more... Though that internal drive of mine to see the world through new perspective every day is still within me, now I use my head MORE (stress on the 'more' to show that before, I used my head also, but now MORE :p). I'm more...calm. How's that. Calm, but crave for craziness.  THIS is Chesza. The old and the new.

-C-